Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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