I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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