life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
