I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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