Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
