We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
