don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
