he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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