I just made out with a guy for $7.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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