Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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