your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize