So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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