I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
