well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
