I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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