She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
