the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
