she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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