also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
