Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
