you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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