I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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