I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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