dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
