Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
