This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
