I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
