my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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