**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
