I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
