sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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