Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
