I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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