I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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