1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize