News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
