Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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