You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
