throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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