my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
