Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
