Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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