youre lurking in front of me
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
