how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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