dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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