He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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