worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
