I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm too high and old for this...
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