the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
