you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
