I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
