he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
