im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
