I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
