things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
