Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
