he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
