why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
