you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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