and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
be right there i have to get my cape
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
