If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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