I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
