I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pants are for mortals
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
