I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
