8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
