My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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