i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
