I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
