i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I fill condoms, not promises.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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