it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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