i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
